Exceptional Women Are Not the Exception

I’ve been closely following the case of Jacque Waller. Jacque was a woman from a town near Cape Girardeau, MO who disappeared in June of this year. Jacque had gone to her estranged husband’s house to pick up their son after a divorce hearing, and was never seen or heard from again.

The husband, Clay Waller, told authorities that the two had gotten into an argument, and that Jacque had stormed off. Her car was later found abandoned on the highway about three miles from the husband’s home, with no trace of the missing mother.

After months of denying his involvement, Clay Waller reportedly confessed to his father in federal court that he killed Jacque and dumped her body in a hole.

As yet, he has not been charged.

There is an epidemic involving the disappearance of women.

Almost daily we hear the news that another woman has vanished, only to be found brutally murdered days, weeks, months, or even years later.

Sometimes, they’re never found at all.

Too often, the last people to see these women alive are their boyfriends, fiancées, spouses or ex-lovers.

Rather than deal with the issues that come with involving themselves in a troubled or failed relationship, many men turn to murder, turn to making their “problem” disappear-  and quite literally so.

This, unfortunately, gives a whole new- and terribly morbid- meaning to the term “Til death do us part”.

The numbers certainly support the fact that domestic violence is an epidemic, with some studies listing homicide as anywhere from the second to the fifth most common cause of death among women. That said, I don’t want to get too caught up in statistics. One doesn’t need to be an expert to realize that women are being victimized by their male partners at an alarming rate.

I’d like to shift the focus from the numbers to the empowerment of women.

No one chooses to be the victim of homicide, obviously. A woman doesn’t get involved in a relationship thinking that her other half is the one who will kill her some day.

Be that as it may, many women tend to make terrible mistakes when choosing their partners.

All too often the warning signs are ignored, the writing on the wall has been scrubbed away by women who are willing to take deadly risks to be in a relationship. We are all too capable of working against ourselves, and against our best interests. Women have to stop wiping away the writing on the wall- and need to start paying attention to it.

I am in no way blaming victims of homicide or victims of domestic violence. I have experienced domestic assault first-hand and have an intimate knowledge of the pure evil that comes part and parcel with those who prey on women.

What I have learned, as part of my personal journey, is to identify the warning signs, listen to my gut, and trust my instincts.

Perhaps the most important lesson of all was to learn to love myself for who I am- not who someone else may want me to be.

I submit that learning to understand our value as women, learning to appreciate who we are as individuals, understanding that which we can contribute to the world is not just vital to our self-esteem, but is also critical to our safety and our survival.

A woman who loves and respects herself, a woman full of confidence and purpose, a woman with goals and solid plans, is less likely to be victimized.

No human deserves to be victimized by anyone, and they especially don’t deserve it at the hands of their spouses, lovers and ex-lovers. It’s true that no one, including women, can guarantee their safety in every situation, but we can be empowered, and we can make better decisions.

We can decrease the likelihood that we will find ourselves victimized, missing…

… Dead.

Once we can learn to appreciate who we are, we can make better choices involving men who do not love and respect us at least as much as we love and respect ourselves.

When it comes to dating and marriage, we need to stop thinking of ourselves as the exception, rather than the rule.

Yes, ladies, we are wonderful and unique. We have different talents and abilities, and what we bring to our relationships cannot be duplicated by any other human on this planet.

None of that, however, means we’ll be treated any differently than any other woman has ever been treated when it comes to certain men.

Some men are abusers, and it really is just that simple.

The fact that they abuse women has nothing to do with who we are- including our flaws, or our shortcomings- and has everything to do with who they are. Some men may try to convince us otherwise, but their words do not make reality.

If a potential suitor has a history of violence, the chances are good that this man is still capable of being violent. This is true regardless of all the wonderful things we may feel we can do for this suitor that all the other women in his life were unable/unwilling to do.

If a boyfriend’s temper seems a little close to the boiling point over minor issues while dating, it will get worse once married, worse still during pregnancy, and will continue escalating in the years following childbirth.

Yes, it will.

We are exceptional women- all of us- but we are being irresponsible to assume that we are the exception.

It’s time we stopped being victims.

Dedicated to Jacque Rawson Waller. My thoughts and prayers are with your children, family and friends. RIP, and know you were loved by many, near and far.

Who’s Your Daddy?

A pastor whom I greatly admire recently posted a question on his Facebook page. The question asked his followers to chime in on whether or not they thought watching porn with their spouses is a sin.

I found it interesting, and a little disturbing, that each and every person (save for my husband and myself) answered that yes, watching porn with one’s spouse is a sin.

Personally speaking, I don’t enjoy porn, and neither does my husband, so it’s never been a part of our relationship. However, I am constantly amazed at the willingness people demonstrate to condemn actions that other couples may enjoy in the privacy and sanctity of their own homes.

Many folks will quote various scriptural passages (such as Matthew 5:27-28) referencing the no-nos of lust (“‘You shall not commit adultery.’^{[a] 28} But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”), as if human behavior is cut and dry, as if intimacy within a marriage can be applied in the fashion of “one size fits all”…

… And as if Jenna Jamison and Ron Jeremy were even around back in the day when Matthew found himself putting pen to paper (or however they wrote stuff down before there were pens and paper).

I find this sad (doesn’t the Bible have a thing or two to say about standing in judgment of others?), but more importantly, I find it irresponsible.

I won’t spend too much time on the biblical context, other than to say that I hope my husband looks at me with lust. We, as humans, are lustful beings, and I better be the one he is lusting after. Within the boundaries of my own marriage, I don’t find lust itself sinful, but lust for others might be problematic.

That being said, I hesitate to flat-out condemn most behaviors that couples may utilize within their own marriages. There is the obvious- abuse and infidelity- but actions that are A) victimless and B) pleasing to both partners should be fair game. There are many behaviors that are not right for me, or for my marriage- porn is one of them. I would never participate in an open marriage, and no one will ever catch me at a swinger’s club, for example.

For the record, I also will not be video-taping skits of my husband and myself in compromising positions, a la Jets’ coach Rex Ryan, his wife, and his foot fetish (though I don’t think there’s anything wrong with what he did, save for the embarrassment the tape caused himself and his family). Truly, if anything like that ever came out about my own parents, I would die on the spot. Instantly.

What I especially will not participate in is telling other couples how to operate within their own bedrooms. Not only is that a gross prospect (smacks of voyeurism, if you ask me), but couples face enough pressures on the day-to-day without having to deal with me sticking my nose into their private lives. I have my own marriage to grow and strengthen, thank you very much.

If other couples find these activities mutually enjoyable, and it helps to both keep them together and strengthen their unions, who am I to tell them their choices are wrong? As is the case in most areas of life- what works for one does not necessarily work for everyone- and vice versa.

This is especially important in times like these, when the divorce rate hovers just over 60%.

I find it difficult to imagine God, who created us as sexual beings, tsk-tsking us from the heavens, for participating in mutually enjoyable actions in our own bedrooms. My initial thought is that He (or She) likely has other things on His (or Her) mind (such as genocide, war, devastating mudslides, tsunamis, earthquakes, the categorical destruction of our planet and each other, hatred and injustice).

After perusing the comments of others on that Facebook page I earlier mentioned, I decided  to call on another pastor whose views I also greatly admire and deeply respect. In fact, this particular minister helped shape my own beliefs, as he is my father, Pastor Jon.

Our conversation went something like this:

Me: Dad, within the confines of marriage, is it a sin for a couple to watch porn together?

Pastor Jon: <Cough>

Me: Um… So… what do you think?

Pastor Jon: I think the answer to your question is, “Who’s your Daddy?”

Genius, I say!

My father’s point is that both individually and collectively as a couple, people must define for themselves who their “Daddy”, or Father (God) is. Once that question is answered, it is important to understand what that entity’s expectations are. Provided a person’s behavior remains true to that established figure as well as to their spouse, the answers become clear.

I view God as a parental figure, so the question of “Who’s your Daddy?” really resonates with me. Just as my own parents steer clear of my bedroom, I figure God probably stays outta there too. He’s got way too many children to be monitoring each and every harmless shenanigan I may or may not be participating in. He authorized the sexual choices my spouse and I will make when we stood before Him and said our vows, so we’re in good hands.

Remaining true to one’s beliefs, and acting in accordance with the expectations laid before us by one’s God and spouse, it would be difficult to go wrong. It is, however, a personal journey, and not every single person (or couple) will identify with the same “Daddy”. Not all Fathers have the same rules, just as not all couples have the same sexual palate.

I am thankful for my personal journey, for my God, and for my husband.

Now.

Let’s get it on!

Abortion, Birth Control and Online Polls

Oh. My. God.

Of all the disgusting, completely irresponsible things I have seen on the internet, this is probably the worst of them all.

I just came across an article at ParentDish about the Arnold family. Alicha Arnold is pregnant, and apparently didn’t know whether or not she wanted to keep the child…

… So…

She, along with her husband, started a website. The purpose of the site is to poll the public- should they have the baby or abort it?

Mrs. Arnold, who has been married for 9 years, explains her uncertainty by saying, “I’m not convinced that I want to change the status quo… I feel that as I age I’ve actually gotten more selfish and set in my ways. I’m afraid that I will eventually regret starting a family and ‘settling down,’ as they say. I fear that the constant pressure to be the perfect wife and mother while maintaining a full-time job will eventually cause my brain to implode and lead to a nervous breakdown.”

Wow.

The Arnolds seem well-educated and financially stable. They both work in technology, and have been a couple for more than a decade. Certainly for these two upwardly mobile people, birth control was not a mystery, or a myth. They could have easily availed themselves to it, and yet they didn’t. When the inevitable happened (you see, when two people love each other, the man will stick his… well, you know where I’m headed with this…), and she got pregnant, she turned to that which she knows best- technology- to help make the biggest, most heart-wrenching, personal decision she will likely ever face.

No wait.

Allow me to rephrase.

She turned to others– strangers (!) to make that decision for her.

I am disgusted.

Ultimately, it seems the Arnolds, with the public’s assistance, have chosen to continue their pregnancy.

Truly, I have no idea if I’m relieved or not…

… This woman will be a mother soon.

How do you parent a child whose fate you once left to the public? To strangers, freaks, hackers, psychopaths, politicians (sorry- couldn’t resist!)?

“Now look, Junior! You better show some respect! If not for that 51% on my website, you wouldn’t even be here right now! Go clean your room like I asked you to!”

Huh.

I dunno, folks.

I declare I’ve seen it all.

My Him

In many ways, I feel as if I’ve lived a lifetime since October, 2006. It was during that time I seperated from and ultimately divorced my (now ex) husband.

Since then I have experienced much- I lived through the effects of substance abuse and domestic violence; I have learned the lesson of financial independence and been taught to live the life of a single mother; I have had more fun than I ever could have imagined, and cried more tears than I ever thought possible; I discovered passions I never knew existed- social justice, politics and writing; I have learned about the holes unresolved pain and anger can burn into our souls…

… But most importantly, perhaps, I have learned the lesson of unconditional love, the lesson of how to forgive and the lesson of what it means to be forgiven.

It wasn’t long after I seperated from my ex-husband that My Him came into my life. We quickly became fast-friends- kindred spirits- conversating constantly about anything and everything; the time we spent together… stolen moments here and there… rarely, a night or a weekend… but never enough, became my lifeline. 

We laughed, we cried, we fought, and we loved like crazy… though we did so in such completely imperfect fashion that somehow, through all the twists and turns,  we managed to make it perfect nonetheless.

I quickly found myself relying on him for many things: emotional support, companionship, intense political debates and so much more. He was my shoulder to cry on, my biggest, proudest cheerleader, the most fierce, passionate man I had ever met. He knew how to pick me up, and just when to push me hard.  

I learned, through that friendship, what it means to have a partner. Even when forced to deal with me at my ugliest, he never flinched… perhaps he knew what I didn’t… that soon, our roles would reverse, and it was he who would be in need.

I, like My Him for me, was there.

Hurdle after hurdle, we cleared them all. We were not graceful, my Him and I, but we certainly worked harder than we’d ever worked at anything in our lives. More than once, we almost didn’t make it, the speedbumps too large, the blindspots too wide…

… Always, however, we pulled through.

Our bond became stronger through each and every trial and triumph, until finally, we knew.

Ours is the stuff steel is made of. Ours is not to be broken.

As I reflect on the last few years of my life, I realize that through a single person, I have learned more about myself, my potential, my very inner core than a thousand men could ever have hoped to teach me. While there are many unknowns that lay ahead, one thing is certain- no matter the journey or distance I am to travel, I am to do so with My Him right beside me.

My life is in transition again… things are changing quickly… but I am not alone. My rock is here to support me, to stand strong next to me.

To Him who has become my heart, I have to say thank you.

Thank you for allowing me in, thank you for accepting nothing less than the best from me… thank you for loving me, for forgiving me… thank you for finding me and never giving up on me…

… Thank you for making me your wife.

I will live the rest of my days making sure you never regret it.

Haggard, Hatred and Homos

Ted Haggard, unfortunately is doing no favors for the gay community.

The embattled (and quite conflicted) man has lost his post as the president of National Association of Evangelicals, as well as his position as head pastor of the New Life Church.

His story made headlines and plunged him head-first into a nation-wide scandal when it was revealed that he paid a male prostitute- numerous times- for sex and methamphetamine… all while supposedly handling his business as Man of God Extraordinaire, devoted husband and father.

In recent days Haggard has admitted to another sexual liaison. He says it was during his tenure with New Life Church- this time with a 20 year old male volunteer. He claims this is further evidence of the “compulsive behavior” that ruled him during “that time” of his life.

Ted Haggard is- at least in part- a victim. 

I truly feel sorry for him.

That being said, I am terribly disappointed that he has chosen not to use his personal experiences as an opportunity to explain the truth about homosexuality.

Instead he prefers to perpetuate a climate of shame and self-hate.

He has been on numerous television shows granting interviews, and even has an HBO documentary airing soon. The emerging theme is the life of a man whose soul hasn’t grown an inch… a man who loves himself no more than he did when he was hiding his true identity from the world, his wife, and his children.

This is a man who truly despises himself for his inherant homosexuality… a trait that he knows all too well can never be fixed, changed or prayed away.

Yet he still pretends to believe otherwise… if he just prays a little harder, reads scripture a little more often… Ricky Martin will suddenly become less attractive to him than Cindy Crawford.

He  claims a therapist told him that he is “heterosexual with complications”.

Dude- You’re gay.

Just stand up and say it.

What a sad, sad existence he has instead created.

He put himself in a virtual prison… and rather than use this massive national forum he has garnered for himself to break out of jail, to finally be free… not to mention freeing thousands of other conflicted homosexuals in the process…

… He has instead chosen to continue living behind bars.

How truly sad.

I realize Haggard has his faults… massive ones… not the least of which has been his being anything BUT a loving, committed spouse. His wife has the right to be absolutely livid with this man… though she claims she knew about his “struggles”- struggles directly related to his attraction to men- for years. She chose to marry him in spite of this knowledge… but he chose to make life-long vows to this woman.

He should suffer the consequences of the damage he has done to his marriage and his family.

However, he has been handed the perfect opportunity to explain to the world- especially to right-wing evangelical Christians- that in spite of all his efforts, all his praying and soul searching…

… He is still gay.

He didn’t choose to be this way.

He simply is.

Ted Haggard has spent the majority of his life struggling with himself, his God, his church, his culture, his country… because the man who he really is… the REAL Ted Haggard… is homosexual…

… And that reality doesn’t play out well in the world he has created for himself- a world full of judgmental hateful bigots.

The resulting damage is catastrophic.

All one needs to do is watch him… I recommend viewing his recent interview with Larry King… to know that this man hates himself as much as he ever has.

He still hopes he can get on his knees and pray his way out of his attraction to men.

Why has he not figured it out, after all these years, that it isn’t going to happen? Why is he not on a quest to learn how to love himself?

Denial is indeed a powerful animal.

If Ted Haggard lived in a world where he was accepted for who he really is… a world in which he could both love and serve his God without fear that his personal understanding of himself as a gay man would sentence him to eternal damnation in hell… a world in which he did not have to hate himself for that which he cannot change…

… Perhaps things would have been a little different… a little better…

I will pray for Mr. Haggard.

I will pray that he stops apologizing for who his is, for who God created him to be… and start living and loving himself.

He deserves that much, if nothing else.

Megachurches, Heathens and An Unmarried Me

I’m feeling a little discriminated against.

I have learned that the pastor of a megachurch in Dallas, TX is issuing a 7-day sex challenge to his married congregants.

Now I don’t typically follow the goings on of megachurches, but this caught my eye.

It seems that Reverand Ed Young, in his attempt to strengthen the bond of married couples, is challenging them to have sex at least once a day for the next 7 days.

Daggumit.

Why can’t the un-married folks participate?

That’s a challenge I could really get involved in!

Reverand Young feels that sex outside the sanctity of marriage is a sin.

… And while I understand he’s not the only one who feels this way…

I feel as if I am being excluded from an activity I could definitely benefit from, simply by nature of the fact that I am single.

So…

I am issuing a challenge of my own to all you sinnin’ heathens out there…

… Have sex, and have lots of it… non-stop if you can, for the next 14 days!

We’ll beat that ol’ rev at his own game.

Hope everyone has fun, and please- for the sake of your souls, do not forget to get on your knees…

… No, not for that, you perverts…

Ahem…

You’ll need to get on your knees and pray to God for forgiveness when you’re done.

No need to spend eternity in hell, all cuz of the fun of 2 short weeks, right?

After all, a sin’s a sin… and we probably don’t want to take any chances.

I’m just sayin’.

John Edwards, Perfect Timing and Ken Dolls

The world truly is coming to an end.

Plus I have to eat a little crow, on account of a previous post of mine… which makes me a little grouchy.

I do hate being wrong, but here goes nothin’…

The National Enquirer, it appears, was absolutely right about John Edwards.

(Shudder)

Actually, I really am not surprised that Edwards cheated on his wife- but I am pretty shocked that the Enquirer was the publication that broke the story… I guess I would have expected it to come from… oh I don’t know… just about anywhere else.

When the Enquirer becomes a legitimate news source, I believe it is time to build a bunker underground and get the heck out of dodge. The apocolypse is surely upon us.

Seriously.

I really like John Edwards’ politics, so I’m a bit disappointed in him right now. Mostly though, I’m sad for what his wife must be going through.

 

Obviously, his personal policy on fidelity isn’t quite as fabulous as his public policy on poverty. 

 

Sigh.

 

Plus I wouldn’t exactly be shocked if- despite his denials- it turns out that the purty-boy is indeed the father of Rielle Hunter’s child.

 

Hmm…

 

Let’s see- she refused to name a papa on the birth certificate, she refuses to agree to a paternity test, and either Edwards or his minions have been giving her financial support to the tune of fifteen grand a month…

 

Sounds downright fishy to me!

 

Ahh well… good luck proving a damn thing… he says he can’t possibly be this kid’s dad…

 

…cuz of the timing of the affair.

 

Um… timing?

 

Did this genius not wear a daggone condom on top of everything else… and timing is the only reason he’s sure he can’t be this kid’s father?

 

Ugh…

   

To add insult to injury, I don’t even know whether these two are actually finished with each other or not.

 

Does the boot-knockin’ continue as we speak? 

 

After all, the only reason this story blew up to begin with was because Mr. Hot Stuff was seen visiting Mz. Hunter and her (their?) child at a Beverly Hills Hotel- just last month.

 

His wife is battling cancer for the 2nd time, and has said it is incurable… and while it seems the affair likely began prior to her first diagnosis, I can’t imagine that coming to realize her hunk-of-a-hubby is still visiting this woman could possibly strike her as good news.

 

She certainly could do without the stress.

 

Of course, Edwards claims the affair ended back in 2006, and the only reason he was visiting her most recently- in a hotel for God’s sake- was because she was having some personal problems and rang him up to come on over.

 

Well damn.

 

If the affair has ended- and he’s trying to fix the relationship with his wife… who’s dying… why not just tell his ex woman-on-the-side to tell her problems to her shrink? Call a girlfriend or something. If he absolutely had to meet up with her, why do it in such an incriminating place as a swanky hotel- with her baby in tow?

 

There have to be other, more appropriate semi-private places in which to meet a purely platonic friend.

 

Right?

 

Well the guy lacks judgment, that’s for certain.

 

Not only does Edwards somewhat physically resemble a plastic Ken Doll… he apparently has the brains of one too.

Prudes, Perverts and the TV Machine

There’s a new study out today by the Parents Television Council claiming that as much as television networks love sex, they’re not big fans as it relates to marriage.

Personally, I’m not a big fan of marriage either, so while I’m not terribly upset by the study, plenty of others are.

So anyway, the results are apparently shocking to some, as not only does tv love to sensationalize pre-marital sex (gasp!), but the kinkier the sex, the better. Networks are loving the “bizarre” as the article puts it, specifically referencing such things as sex toys and partner swapping.

Wait- that’s not normal?

Sorry. I couldn’t resist.

While none of the above mentioned stuff had me doing much other than yawning, there was a little tidbit of info that did sort of make me pause.

I was not aware that visual references of sadomasichism as well as voyeurism outnumber images of marital sex by a ratio close to 3 to 1.

I guess we really are a bunch of perverts, huh?

Are the networks really that risque’, or are they merely portraying the lives of John Q. Public? I mean, I don’t know about the rest of you, but I tend to swing from the chandeliers every chance I get.

Ok, I’m lying, but still.

A lot of regular ol’ people are watching tv to escape their own reality. Duh. Maybe people in a nice (if not boring) marriage don’t really want to watch a bunch of stuff about other nice, boring marriages. Maybe they want to live vicariously through what they see at the movies and on television. Isn’t that why all the actors are young, thin, buff… beautiful… exciting?

Fabulous as I am, I would hate to sit down and attempt a temporary escape from my own boring, uneventful life by way of watching… other people’s boring, uneventful lives.

I want to escape my own reality and spend an evening sympathizing with a beautiful, thin FBI agent who just got knocked up by some guy who works in a bar, whose name she doesn’t even know and has to resort to tracking down via her state-of-the-art special agent skills… all while managing to apprehend an oh-so-dangerous and evil child molester… single-handedly… in 57 minutes (including commercials!)… without breaking a sweat or a nail.

At the end of the day it really is just tv.

Everything on the boob-tube (sorry about the pun- I honestly couldn’t resist) is driven by ratings. If millions of people didn’t tune in to partake of this “immoral… socially destructive” behavior every single night, the networks wouldn’t show it. We’re acting all outraged but hey, we’re still watching- in fact, demanding- the content, so what’s the deal?

Some people are actually so upset by today’s television offerings, they have resorted to hiring consultants to help them determine what shows are and are not appropriate for their children.

Sigh.

Really?

Clearly these folks have way too much time on their hands. Aside from the fact that every single tv show comes with a rating displayed in the left hand corner of the screen, how hard is it to figure out what is and isn’t appropriate for little Jr. to watch before bedtime?

I learned that lesson the hard way. Sit through a couple of icky sex scenes at 8 o’clock on a Thursday night with your 9 year old child on the couch next to you and… well, let’s just say you’ll never make that mistake again.

My kids are… this is shocking… actually supervised in what they are allowed to watch. They also know that what they are viewing is fiction. No, not every 15 year old girl is a regular high school student by day, and a teenaged super star by night, ala Hannah Montana. Nor does the typical high school student spend his/her day singing show tunes in the hallways at school, ala High School Musical. 

This stuff doesn’t reflect reality, and my little ones are aware of this. I have not allowed that nasty machine known as a tv to fry their brains, consequently making them think that everything- every love scene, every married couple, every villain, every hero- is in any way reflective of their own little boring ass worlds.

We take our entertainment too seriously, and that is what needs to change.

The rest will follow suit.

A Good Reason to Stay Single

Ever since my divorce was final, I knew I would never again marry.

I pretty much based that decision on the bad taste my first marriage left in my mouth… kinda like morning breath on steroids.

In a word, it sucked.

Sure, it was nice to have someone to share the everyday burdens of life with. I liked being able to hand the kids off to him when I was completely out of patience and ready to wring their adorable little necks. I especially liked having someone around to change both my oil and the lightbulbs as needed.

As for the sex… well… nevermind.

Ultimately though- at the end of the day- the cons outweighed the pros… ten-fold.

I walked away from my divorce knowing two things- one, I was going to throw a party because it was finally over- and two, I was never and I mean never getting married again.

That’s why I found it interesting when I came across this article on msnbc. Reading it completely re-affirmed my reasons to never again do the aisle-walk thing.

Here’s another set of published stats to check out… this crap is just plain scary.

Interestingly, the timing of my coming across the msnbc article as well as the corresponding stats was perfect.

Just yesterday a dear friend of mine found out her sweetie pie had been cheating on her for the past 7 months.

She got him back… and while I don’t always condone revenge, I gotta say this one had it coming.

My friend wasn’t married… and if you read the stats, unmarried couples in monogomous relationships face the same fidelity challenges. 

Maybe, just maybe, humans aren’t meant to mate with “that one special person” for life.

Personally, I don’t like the odds, so I think I’d rather not play the game.

Back in the day, when I was younger and dumber, I remember being cheated on. It sucked more than words can describe.

It was a horrific ordeal, and I would rather stab myself in the eye with hot pokers than go through it again.

Luckily for all of us, it seems I don’t need to get into too much detail with regards to the pain infidelity causes… as the article states, approximately 1 in 5 of you, dear readers, have experienced this horrific ordeal yourselves.

To add insult to injury, it appears that of all these cheatin’ asses out there, only 2% ever actually get caught.

Therefore, as for my willingness to go there and get involved in a relationship again… 

No thank you.

I remember all too vividly the pain of realizing the one and only person I had ever trusted was being anything and everything but faithful.

Do it once, shame on them- do it twice, shame on me.

Some pals of mine say I’m just bitter… well, yea, I guess I am.

But for once, I have the numbers on my side, backin’ my ass up.

Let’s Fix It

As I’m sure all mothers do, I worry about my daughters. Like everyone, my concerns range from their physical health to their happiness and emotional well-being.

By far, my biggest concerns are for their future.

I worry what we are teaching my daughters. Am I doing my part to teach them how to choose a partner that won’t abandon them when they get pregnant, or at the first sign of trouble? Or will my actions, my mistakes, result in their making the same errors in judgment that I did?  

Beyond that, what are the boys that will someday be men- and possibly their husbands- currently being taught? Are they being raised in abusive homes? Are their fathers present in their lives? Are these young men being taught to treat my daughters as Queens, with all the respect they deserve?

Unfortunately, it is a very real concern that my babies may wind up in some very painful, destructive life-relationships. The have several “risk factors”- they are the product of divorce, they have witnessed their father’s varying degrees of abusive behavior, they have seen me struggle and freak out as a single mother- and have witnessed more of my own mistakes than they ever should have. In addition, as beautiful black-women-in-training, they have the weight of a broken, wounded society on their shoulders. Not only will they have the responsibility of thriving in an unforgiving and unfair world, but they will ultimately be charged with selecting a man to share their journey with.

The men they will have to choose from are young boys right now, who by and large were born into unmarried homes- currently, that number is over 70% in black families. Boys who are being raised by over-stressed single mothers, and likely- MOST likely- have no fathers around to help with the load (according to the numbers, more than half). Boys who, like my daughters, struggle each and every day, next to their mothers, seeing a scary side of the world that they never should have had to experience.

My daughters are part of a generation in which black men are more likely to be shot than they are to graduate high school. This generation is one in which 10% of black males, aged 25-29 are incarcerated.

I love my heritage, I love my daughters’ heritage, and I love that as black women they will be among the most beautiful, gifted, strongest people on earth. I would never dream of changing their race if given the chance- only their circumstances- circumstances that both myself and this society allowed to become theirs. While I will love and accept my daughters no less, should they choose non-black men as their partners, I would be so proud if they were to choose a wonderful, loving black man. Studies show they’re likely to marry within their race… and that is one statistic that I am not disappointed to read. I love all people, and have the blood of no less than three races coursing through my own body. If my children choose to marry outside or their race, I pray that such a decision would be a matter of the heart, and not because all of these sobering statistics proved true, and they had little, if any, choice.

For them, for my daughters and your sons, we all need to do our part, and start fixing this.

*special thanks to Roland S. Martin, CNN.com for providing the numbers