How To Be a Good Republican

I was reading someone else’s blog today and came across a post entitled “To Be a Good Democrat”.

Since I think it’s ridiculous to lump all Republicans or all Democrats into one narrow category I decided- in good fun- to post my own list… to prove a point, of course. 

Enjoy.

To Be a Good Republican

  1. You have to believe the AIDS virus is really only spread by a bunch of gay assholes intent on taking over the world.
  2. You have to believe Barack Obama is somehow both a devout radical Muslim and a devout left-wing Christian- simultaneously, no less.
  3. You have to be pro-death (penalty) and pro-life at the same time.
  4. You have to believe that abortion is wrong no matter what, but then decide to stop giving a damn about the babies once they’re actually born.
  5. You have to believe the Holocaust was God’s will, and that Hitler was just a hunter, chosen by the Lord to get the Jews out of Europe and into Israel.
  6. You have to believe Rachael Ray is a Palestinian Jihad sympathizer with plans to take over the world via Dunkin Donuts.
  7. You have to believe that Saddam Hussein did have weapons of mass destruction and that he was the cause of 9/11… and that oil doesn’t have a damn thing to do with this so-called War on Terror.
  8. You have to believe that $5.00 for a gallon of gas is downright affordable, causing you to scratch your head and wonder what all these darn liberals are in such an uproar about.
  9. You have to believe that homosexuality is not only completely unnatural, but is a choice made by lunatics that are clearly nothing but gluttons for punishment…  despite scientific evidence that says otherwise.
  10. You have to fight against affirmative action and then think it’s ok that minorities make less than whites because they have yet to earn their place in this society.
  11. You have to believe that all that druggin’ and boozin’ actually left at least one decent brain cell in President Bush’s body.
  12. You have to believe a president who lied about getting off using a cigar on one of his interns belongs in jail, but a president whose lies caused the very war we find ourselves in today deserves a medal of honor.
  13. You have to believe that all things non-Christian should be outlawed.
  14. You have to believe that the only people worthy of constitutional protection are white business men that are wealthy and belong to the NRA.
  15. You have to believe a photo ID is necessary to vote, but not to purchase a gun.
  16. You have to believe immigration needs to be stopped, and that the only people who deserve to be in this country are “Americans” though you yourself aren’t a true native- and never would have been here either, had someone in your family not been an immigrant once too.
  17. You have to believe that scientifically, humans never evolved, and that people were just… BAM!!… placed here arbitrarily one beautiful afternoon by God.
  18. You have to be of the opinion that the term “foreign policy” is really just code for barrell-assin’ into a country and killing a whole bunch of people… and then (maybe) asking questions later.
  19. You have to believe in abstinence, and that sex is just wrong- and then justify it when yet another married Republican politician finds himself caught in the act with his pants around his ankles… with yet another prostitute.
  20. You have to think the Rev. Wright is psycho, but worship all things Jerry Falwell, Pat Robertson and John Hagee. 
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13 thoughts on “How To Be a Good Republican

  1. First of all, I loved both lists… It was hysterical, especially considering the political climate we are currently in.

    Secondly, I am getting on my soap-box….. those who cannot engage in an intelligent debate, read no further.

    After reading both sides of the argument, I am hoping that everyone can read both posts to see and truly realize that very few Republicans or Democrats fully fit into these statements perfectly. We are all individuals with our own life experiences that shape how we see the world. Each person’s viewpoint is uniquely their own. Even identical twins cannot agree on everything. Our views are shaped by that individual’s physical environment, various social interactions, and internal dialogue in response to life experiences. With that said, how can anyone condemn and berate another human without turning the mirror on themselves? I am betting that there are a bunch of hypocrisies that suddenly arrive in that reflection. Hard to look at, huh?

    Moving on…

    The great part about this country is that we DO have the freedom to disagree with each other and discuss why we feel the way we do. The purpose of a political debate is not to say that “I am right and you are wrong, end of discussion”… The purpose is to discuss the issues at hand and open our minds to another point of view, whether we agree with it or not. By opening our minds, we gain a greater understanding of others… especially with the people we love. You never know how a respectful debate can change someone’s mind about a situation or even about the people involved in the debate. The best part about this country is that although we may not see eye-to-eye, we can still love each other and be respectful of each other’s points of view.

    *disclaimer: If you can’t follow my train of thought… find your nearest person with A.D.D. and have them explain it to you.

  2. Thanks for weighing in Judy. I had a friend ask me yesterday what a person who both agrees and disagrees with points from both parties is called. My response? Normal.

    I think most of us who take the time to research both sides of an issue for ourselves, and think independently can honestly say there are various issues we tend to agree and disagree with.

    I align myself with the Dems, but that isn’t because I am in agreement with every single thing the Democratic Party stands for… I just tend to fall more on the left side of the issues than I do on the right.

    None of that, however, is absolute- even as crazy-liberal as some people tend to want to paint me.

  3. I wish more people would wise up to the fact that no political party is ever 100% on their side. There’s never a winning combination; it’s always a matter of playing the percentages. I mean, if delegates within parties can disagree with one another, what hope do the rest of us have that somewhere, someplace exists a party that exactly defines our views? Apart from anything else, human beings are self-contradictory creatures. We’re quite capable of double-standards, hypocricy and other such foibles without – and here’s the biggy – necessarily recognising them for what they are (at least in ourselves).

    Biggest personal irk lately: Creationists and right-wing Christians complaining about how their right to freedom of speech is being eroded by a refusal to teach creationism in schools, while simultaneously refusing point-blank to teach evolution. That argument works in reverse, too, but it’s my own personal bias for science over pseudo-science which determines the side I’m on, and I at least try to be aware of the irony inherent in both positions.

  4. agreed Foz,
    i wrote this article when I was really pissed about how much blatant lies and racism was on the blogosphere and when the “west virginia voters were spouting off about why they wouldn’t vote” and this bible thumper thought my quest for equality and sep of church and state was a war on the word “marriage”! please, give me a break, I don’t need a history lesson on “marriage” that apparently in that exact form & spelling has been around for longer than man?!

  5. That list sounds remotely familiar..oh yeah..it is the DLC, which is nothing short of a Democratic-Republican wing of the party. There is an answer for Hil–start her own party, the Democratic-Republican Party. It was the party that supported Jackson in 1828…and he was a dick too..oh sorry…I got off subject there…great list.

  6. ref
    You have to be pro-death (penalty) and pro-life at the same time.
    Chaze77:
    Though I can see your point and by all means satire is a great way to pour water on a hot fire…well, for the mature thinker that is…
    I did want to point out one very important point.
    A person can be very serious about the deathpenalty yet pro-life at the same time. After all, an unborn child has had no chance at exercising free will, where an unrepentant and convicted criminal has had that chance.
    Just my two bits here.
    You ARE quite right about hypocracy and fair play. I hate the characterizations of all the spectrums of the political wheel. However, when we, and I mean thinking people, start to hide behind rhetoric then we do not have dialogue

  7. Hey Unc-
    I appreciate what you have to say, however, it is also very possible to be against the death penalty and pro-choice. I am not “for abortion”, but rather for a woman’s right to choose. Beyond that, the death penalty (besides being completely barbaric) is not fairly applied… it isn’t just unrepentent criminals that find themselves on death row, but often very poor folks who lack appropriate representation- and in some cases completely innocent people as well.

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